She's Back, But Not Home
Stephanie was picked up by police Friday night. She spent the night at juvenile detention and only commented that the hancuffs were "cool". She is currently at a crisis management mental health facility until her medication is back under control. To adequetly convery where her Dad and I are right now, below is a letter we will be giving her shortly.
- - -
Stephanie,
I am struggling so much with your recent decisions, actions and behavior. I just don't understand your motivation.
From the first day you came to live with us, just over three years ago, your dad and I have considered you our daughter. We have never failed to do everything in our power to make you feel loved and accepted and a full part of this family. Despite your every attempt to sabotage it, we have never stopped loving you, we have never given up on you.
We have made every effort to include you and involve you. No matter how many times you refused to participate in game and movie nights and other family activities, we never stopped offering. It did not matter how often you turned down opportunities to do things in our community and church, we continued to encourage you. Even though you consistently refused to apply yourself in your schooling, we repeatedly offered help, and tried to prompt you to want to do well so that you could live up to all the potential we see in you. For you to say that we never included you, that we never wanted you – that is absurd. You might not WANT to see it, but we've always been there for you. We've always tried to make the best decisions for you. We've always done things for you to show you how special you are to our family. Do you remember when you first came to live here? That first weekend, we went shopping to let you chose things to decorate your room to make it yours. I remember you saying that no one had ever done that for you before. Did that not show you that we were different, that we counted you as part of our family from the very beginning? What about the sports we've supported you in? Gymnastics? We found the best place and signed you up and bought the supplies and drove you across town several days a week, watching and cheering as you progressed. Volleyball? I was the only mother who was there EVERY match. I was keeping score and serving as line judge and working concessions and driving you and other girls to away matches all the time. Softball? The whole family came out to support you many, many times. Band concerts and parades? We were there.
And we were not just there in good times; we've tried to support you in the bad times too. How many nights did I sit with you in your dark bedroom while you talked and cried? How many times, when you were in trouble for breaking rules, did we spend hours (often in the middle of the night) trying to get you to see that the rules we have are for YOUR OWN GOOD? That we want the best the world has to offer for you.
How many therapy sessions have we made the appointments for, taken you to, and been in with you? How long have we continued to pay for a therapist ourselves every week because we believed she was making a difference with you when we easily could have gone just about anywhere else and had the insurance take care of every penny?
If we didn't care for you, why did we have a surprise party for you on your 16th birthday? And why did the WHOLE family come to it? Why did we plan that trip to the cabin and even let you bring a friend? Why did Nona and Poppy have a birthday dinner for you at their house? Why did Grandma and Grandpa take you to Six Flags for your birthday – even as sick as Grandpa has been?
And all of that doesn't even begin to cover all of the small every-day things. Day and night, you are in every thought and plan. You are the motivation and reason behind so very many of our decisions and are a factor in every single one.
In the year and a half that you were with us before we were able to adopt you, we were working and praying and hoping to make you officially our daughter. What amazes me now is that you seem to have forgotten that it was your decision. Today you acted as if it was something that was forced upon you, as if you were snatched away in the night and adopted against your will. You seem to think that your birth-mother's parental rights were terminated on a whim and by accident. I can assure you that termination is NEVER done lightly.
At first, while you were gone, I couldn't understand why you would walk away from safety and security and love, why you would be drawn to people and places where you were hurt, used and abused. It seems that you apparently do not remember and have not seen all of the paperwork. I am sorry for that because you now seem to have some kind of perfect idea in you head that, I promise you, is not real. Stephanie, there was proof: pictures and physical evidence of your sexual abuse at the hands of your mother and her then-husband. Brittney and I discussed if it was right to tell you, when we realized that you didn't remember, but we knew that you already had so much trauma that you DID remember, we didn't want to hinder your therapeutic progress with yet another set back. Now, we see that mistake; that having you know the truth could have prevented all of this, could have made you see that we have been trying to protect you, to be the family you should have had all along.
Still, it seems that, no matter what we do, you don't really care. Looking back over the last several weeks and months and even years, it has become clear how completely and cold-heartedly you have manipulated and used us. Not just your dad and me, but Nona, Poppy, Aunt B, Uncle J, Grandma, Grandpa, James, and even Katie. I can see now that all you ever wanted from any of us was just the means to your own selfish ends. You made us believe you really wanted this family, that you really wanted to change your life and your direction, that you wanted to make something out of yourself, that you wanted to go to college and be something wonderful, that you wanted to make a difference in this world, that you didn't want to be just another statistic. You made us believe that you were happy here. You made us believe that you appreciated all we'd done for you. I cannot tell you how severely it breaks my heart to know that none of it ever mattered and that I can never really trust anything you've said or done. In talking to your dad and the rest of the family, I see now that this run-away was your plan all along. I don't know how you thought it was going to work, though. Did you think we weren't going to look or care? Did you think that this was a decision that would be okay with us? The impression that I get is that you just don't care if we were hurt or scared. Once again, you only cared about what you wanted and you didn't care who you had to hurt to get it.
So, where does that leave us? Where do we do from here? The fact is, that for the next two years, dad and I are responsible for you in every way. Forget the fact that we love you, that we truly care what you do with your life and want the best for you. Dad and I see now that you are completely unwilling to accept that. Let's move past all of that and look at what our real options are.
1. We can continue down this same path of us over-expecting and you under- responding, of slowly building to a head every few months until things explode, of you continuing to lie to us about what your real goals are.
2. We can continue pursuing therapeutic options that you have manipulated and avoided, in hopes that someone somewhere will eventually break though and get you to see the road down which you are going be that in therapy with Brittney, with a new therapist or in a residential and/or wilderness program.
Or. OR.
3. We can get real. You can be honest about what you really want and stop spouting lies about college or being miserable or any of the nonsense lines you've tried to feed us. Dad and I have discussed this at length and here's the plan we are willing to agree to:
After leaving [the hospital] you will come home and you will submit to ALL of the rules of the house. From truthfulness, to chores, to taking your medications as scheduled to anything else we may choose to implement. No arguments, to smart-mouth, no exceptions.
We will immediately begin a home-school curriculum designed to catch you up on the things you are behind on (reading comprehension), teach you the real -world skills you so desperately need (budgeting and financial planning, relationship skills, etc.), and prepare you for passing the GED in one year.
You will get a job near enough to the house that it is convenient for you to walk or bike at any time that we are unable to take you. You will be responsible for saving and budgeting that money in order to cover almost all costs that you incur from clothes to doctor appointments to food to saving for a car/scooter and then an apartment.
All of this, assuming you follow it TO THE LETTER with NO EXCEPTIONS WHATSOEVER, is to prepare you to be able to prove yourself fully capable to a judge, so that you can be emancipated shortly after your seventeenth birthday. That will make you the only one responsible for you. Things you will need to keep in mind:
You will lose all health, prescription, life and dental insurance that you now have. That means that you will be responsible for getting the insurance offered by your job (including working enough hours to qualify for it, and pay for it) and paying the copays and minimums for your continued therapy and medication requirements.
Emancipation is RARELY granted, so every choice make over the next year will be crucial. And it is NEVER granted if the parents aren't willing, so, again, EVERY choice you make will be CRUCIAL.
As far as we are concerned, this will not stop us from being your parents. No matter where you go or how old you are, we will always love you, you will always be our daughter in our hearts. Believe me when I say that none of this is what I want. The thought of sending you out into the world scares me to my very soul, but what choice do I have? We do very much want you to be happy, but we also want you to be safe, prepared for life, and aware of the serious amount of hard work that is going to be required of you. Once you become an adult, there is no going back. I cannot imagine wanting to give up the safety and security of childhood any sooner that necessary, but if it is what you really want and you prove to us that you can handle it, we are willing to allow it, though it will be with broken hearts and prayers and love and hope. You have never stopped being precious to us. You never will.
Always,
Mom
- - -
Stephanie,
I am struggling so much with your recent decisions, actions and behavior. I just don't understand your motivation.
From the first day you came to live with us, just over three years ago, your dad and I have considered you our daughter. We have never failed to do everything in our power to make you feel loved and accepted and a full part of this family. Despite your every attempt to sabotage it, we have never stopped loving you, we have never given up on you.
We have made every effort to include you and involve you. No matter how many times you refused to participate in game and movie nights and other family activities, we never stopped offering. It did not matter how often you turned down opportunities to do things in our community and church, we continued to encourage you. Even though you consistently refused to apply yourself in your schooling, we repeatedly offered help, and tried to prompt you to want to do well so that you could live up to all the potential we see in you. For you to say that we never included you, that we never wanted you – that is absurd. You might not WANT to see it, but we've always been there for you. We've always tried to make the best decisions for you. We've always done things for you to show you how special you are to our family. Do you remember when you first came to live here? That first weekend, we went shopping to let you chose things to decorate your room to make it yours. I remember you saying that no one had ever done that for you before. Did that not show you that we were different, that we counted you as part of our family from the very beginning? What about the sports we've supported you in? Gymnastics? We found the best place and signed you up and bought the supplies and drove you across town several days a week, watching and cheering as you progressed. Volleyball? I was the only mother who was there EVERY match. I was keeping score and serving as line judge and working concessions and driving you and other girls to away matches all the time. Softball? The whole family came out to support you many, many times. Band concerts and parades? We were there.
And we were not just there in good times; we've tried to support you in the bad times too. How many nights did I sit with you in your dark bedroom while you talked and cried? How many times, when you were in trouble for breaking rules, did we spend hours (often in the middle of the night) trying to get you to see that the rules we have are for YOUR OWN GOOD? That we want the best the world has to offer for you.
How many therapy sessions have we made the appointments for, taken you to, and been in with you? How long have we continued to pay for a therapist ourselves every week because we believed she was making a difference with you when we easily could have gone just about anywhere else and had the insurance take care of every penny?
If we didn't care for you, why did we have a surprise party for you on your 16th birthday? And why did the WHOLE family come to it? Why did we plan that trip to the cabin and even let you bring a friend? Why did Nona and Poppy have a birthday dinner for you at their house? Why did Grandma and Grandpa take you to Six Flags for your birthday – even as sick as Grandpa has been?
And all of that doesn't even begin to cover all of the small every-day things. Day and night, you are in every thought and plan. You are the motivation and reason behind so very many of our decisions and are a factor in every single one.
In the year and a half that you were with us before we were able to adopt you, we were working and praying and hoping to make you officially our daughter. What amazes me now is that you seem to have forgotten that it was your decision. Today you acted as if it was something that was forced upon you, as if you were snatched away in the night and adopted against your will. You seem to think that your birth-mother's parental rights were terminated on a whim and by accident. I can assure you that termination is NEVER done lightly.
At first, while you were gone, I couldn't understand why you would walk away from safety and security and love, why you would be drawn to people and places where you were hurt, used and abused. It seems that you apparently do not remember and have not seen all of the paperwork. I am sorry for that because you now seem to have some kind of perfect idea in you head that, I promise you, is not real. Stephanie, there was proof: pictures and physical evidence of your sexual abuse at the hands of your mother and her then-husband. Brittney and I discussed if it was right to tell you, when we realized that you didn't remember, but we knew that you already had so much trauma that you DID remember, we didn't want to hinder your therapeutic progress with yet another set back. Now, we see that mistake; that having you know the truth could have prevented all of this, could have made you see that we have been trying to protect you, to be the family you should have had all along.
Still, it seems that, no matter what we do, you don't really care. Looking back over the last several weeks and months and even years, it has become clear how completely and cold-heartedly you have manipulated and used us. Not just your dad and me, but Nona, Poppy, Aunt B, Uncle J, Grandma, Grandpa, James, and even Katie. I can see now that all you ever wanted from any of us was just the means to your own selfish ends. You made us believe you really wanted this family, that you really wanted to change your life and your direction, that you wanted to make something out of yourself, that you wanted to go to college and be something wonderful, that you wanted to make a difference in this world, that you didn't want to be just another statistic. You made us believe that you were happy here. You made us believe that you appreciated all we'd done for you. I cannot tell you how severely it breaks my heart to know that none of it ever mattered and that I can never really trust anything you've said or done. In talking to your dad and the rest of the family, I see now that this run-away was your plan all along. I don't know how you thought it was going to work, though. Did you think we weren't going to look or care? Did you think that this was a decision that would be okay with us? The impression that I get is that you just don't care if we were hurt or scared. Once again, you only cared about what you wanted and you didn't care who you had to hurt to get it.
So, where does that leave us? Where do we do from here? The fact is, that for the next two years, dad and I are responsible for you in every way. Forget the fact that we love you, that we truly care what you do with your life and want the best for you. Dad and I see now that you are completely unwilling to accept that. Let's move past all of that and look at what our real options are.
1. We can continue down this same path of us over-expecting and you under- responding, of slowly building to a head every few months until things explode, of you continuing to lie to us about what your real goals are.
2. We can continue pursuing therapeutic options that you have manipulated and avoided, in hopes that someone somewhere will eventually break though and get you to see the road down which you are going be that in therapy with Brittney, with a new therapist or in a residential and/or wilderness program.
Or. OR.
3. We can get real. You can be honest about what you really want and stop spouting lies about college or being miserable or any of the nonsense lines you've tried to feed us. Dad and I have discussed this at length and here's the plan we are willing to agree to:
After leaving [the hospital] you will come home and you will submit to ALL of the rules of the house. From truthfulness, to chores, to taking your medications as scheduled to anything else we may choose to implement. No arguments, to smart-mouth, no exceptions.
We will immediately begin a home-school curriculum designed to catch you up on the things you are behind on (reading comprehension), teach you the real -world skills you so desperately need (budgeting and financial planning, relationship skills, etc.), and prepare you for passing the GED in one year.
You will get a job near enough to the house that it is convenient for you to walk or bike at any time that we are unable to take you. You will be responsible for saving and budgeting that money in order to cover almost all costs that you incur from clothes to doctor appointments to food to saving for a car/scooter and then an apartment.
All of this, assuming you follow it TO THE LETTER with NO EXCEPTIONS WHATSOEVER, is to prepare you to be able to prove yourself fully capable to a judge, so that you can be emancipated shortly after your seventeenth birthday. That will make you the only one responsible for you. Things you will need to keep in mind:
You will lose all health, prescription, life and dental insurance that you now have. That means that you will be responsible for getting the insurance offered by your job (including working enough hours to qualify for it, and pay for it) and paying the copays and minimums for your continued therapy and medication requirements.
Emancipation is RARELY granted, so every choice make over the next year will be crucial. And it is NEVER granted if the parents aren't willing, so, again, EVERY choice you make will be CRUCIAL.
As far as we are concerned, this will not stop us from being your parents. No matter where you go or how old you are, we will always love you, you will always be our daughter in our hearts. Believe me when I say that none of this is what I want. The thought of sending you out into the world scares me to my very soul, but what choice do I have? We do very much want you to be happy, but we also want you to be safe, prepared for life, and aware of the serious amount of hard work that is going to be required of you. Once you become an adult, there is no going back. I cannot imagine wanting to give up the safety and security of childhood any sooner that necessary, but if it is what you really want and you prove to us that you can handle it, we are willing to allow it, though it will be with broken hearts and prayers and love and hope. You have never stopped being precious to us. You never will.
Always,
Mom
posted by Erica @ 12:09 PM
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